My Guy Fieri Problem

The first time I ever saw him, I wondered why that Fieri dude was yelling at me. Seriously, I just flipped to the Food Network while there was a commercial on a baseball game, and here was someone who looked like like the spokesperson for Abercrombie and Fitch’s husky retail concept; possibly a human display rack for Sunglass Hut, yelling at me. The screaming, in fairness, he probably orders Starbucks with that voice, was bad enough but more disturbing there was just something inordinately false about him, as if he was the result of a focus group, his persona is what you get when you have to design something safe and edgy at the same time.

His mission, seeking out small places that are good at one thing, one that they do it better than anyone else and he gives the owners some free publicity - this is something I should've at least conceptually enjoyed: A chance to do explore the glory of American Regional cuisine in all its iterations, interpretations and influences just as Charles Kuralt, Calvin Trillin have done, albeit in a louder manner. 

Except I didn’t. And it isn’t because I align myself with the Michael Pollan tsk-tskers who feel cooking shows should show one how to cook - TV shows should be judged on how well they work as TV shows, not as mission statements. I regularly learn new things from America’s Test Kitchen, yet the show reduces the audio + visual experience of TV to the formula of a Garrison Keillor sermon.  

Just as I don’t believe Keillor is folksy or in anyway kind or particularly interested in the Prairie, I don’t buy into Fieri’s act. Channel hopping one night I saw Fieri claim the favorite part of his job is driving around small towns. Fair enough, except he wasn’t really driving, not while speaking into a camera - cars are towed while the driver is talking into the camera and this small town rolling behind the camera was one boarded up store front after another. Not actually driving and in a town that appeared to be in death throes, a town Mr. West Coast restauranteur isn’t going to be in 5 seconds after the camera equipment is struck. 

Fine. Whatever, he has his schtick, there is nothing wrong with being entertained. It doesn’t anger me. He’s not Colin Cowherd or anything. Rather it shouldn’t bother me. 

Then came the NY Times’ Pete Wells ruefully cruel review of Fieri’s Time Square enterprise, Guy’s American Kitchen, containing the line, “The well-meaning staff seems to realize that this is not a real restaurant”. Now that’s entertainment. I would have included the price of an XXL t-shirt along with the cost of entrees but maybe it’s enough the gift shop is featured in the accompanying photo. 

Then there was a backlash against the Times. Even I was moved a bit - what if your tired and hungry and don't have a Zagat app on your phone and/or want to eat something familiar? What if NY, being overwhelming enough, offered a tourist a name that is so synonymous with a type of food, you knew what you’d be getting before looking at a menu? What’s it to us if people want to eat there: not every meal is a culinary tour de force and isn't the the excitement of traveling in media cities the possibility of associating with the people you see on TV & movies? Besides what’s the least offensive place to eat in Times Square anyway, ESPN Zone? Was Wells review stating the restaurant wasn’t succeeding at what it aspired to be or was Guy's bad in the same way NY Times might not like a Hooters menu? The review never set its own expectations, it was funny, it was mean but it failed in setting the standards. 

Recently, Deadspin pointed out, “It’s not OK to be shitty: Guy Fieri...and the tyranny of stupid popular things.” Will Leitch argues that it’s not a proper defense to argue, what do  you expect, it’s Guy Fieri? Shortly after that post, I was flipping through Karen Brook’s The Mighty Gastropolis: Portland and saw a heading called “Why Guy Fieri Matters.” Ms. Brooks gave space to Bunk Sandwiches proprietors to explain why Guy matters. The bunkers felt Fieri matters because he seeks out the plainly good food and elevates it, pointing out a cook who makes the common fare is just as important as so-called high cuisine. 

How can a sentiment I pretty much agree with aggravate me so much? I got angry because this opinion was placed in a gaudy Guy Fieri frame. Fieri matters because he’s on TV. And then it’s arguable Fieri seeks out good food, let alone elevates it. He takes calorie dense food that is deep-fried, smothered in heavy sauces, and/or is spicy (never differentiating whether the spice serves the dish or the heat is a mas-macho gimmick). Fieri spotlights the familiar and because he loves everything he tastes, he reinforces the notion you don’t have to try anything but what you already like. 

Emeril used to bother me with his incessant bamming and his insatiable need to kick it up a notch. I once watched Lagasse badger a man into tasting pate, because the gentleman, who was older, had never tried it. And here is the crux of my Fieri problem, in a world that is dynamic and our ability to understand it constantly changing; eating is simple - culturally one of the first ways to understand a different worldview is tasting what someone else cooks and eats . Yet I couldn’t see Fieri asking people to stretch their horizon any further than reaching for the ketchup bottle. 

Apple of Whatever the Opposite of 'Discord' is

Apples.

I finally understand the hype. I don't know if it's a spectacular season for apples or if it was reading my friend Amanda's book, The Orchardist, a book that isn't so much about apples and the rugged souls who grow them, as it is about reshaping the West from what it was to what it would become- stupid metaphors; I mean who would select an apple as a symbol? 

Oh. 

It also could be that I live in apple central. Apples are synonymous with the Pacific NW, Washington is the nation's largest producer, growing 11% of the US crop. Throw in Oregon, and all the sudden the total is like 12%; 12ish%. Along with with a hard year for Michigan apples with a late frost and wet spring is the strange and favorable fixation of Chinese consumers - they like the Grown in Washington stickers. It's treated as something between a status symbol and assurance of quality - I didn't know the Chinese Government had figured out how to grow melamine into their domestic apples. 

Apples fall into roughly 3 camps - Eating Apples aka dessert apples, cooking apples and 

cider apples. There are is also a designation called all-purpose but since any variety can hold dual-citizenship in multiple categories, I like the tripartite system for taxonomy.   

Most of what we eat and buy are dessert apples. They have a pH of about 3.5 - pH is anaglous to acidity, low numbers are more acidic; neutral is 7. Foods that come in at over 7+ are alkaline, baking soda is alkaline. A lemon's pH is in the low 2s; The pH of a banana will test in around 5. Dessert apples are about 15% sugar. Gala, Pink Lady and the deliciouses are dessert apples. 

No Photoshop here

So Granny Smith is a Cooking apple then? Again the categories are fungible, most of my reference type books call it all-purpose, yet it is the rare person who dares to eat it. My new favorite apple, Pink Pearl (see pic) is also an all-purpose apple: They are beautiful baked as their pink flesh turns ruby red, but as someone who loves high acid, tart food and drink; I have a very hard time eating them straight. A true cooking apple will have lower pH and may have the surname of Pippin. 

Cider apples are high in tannin and odds are you will come across a cidery tasting apple, but never buy the 16 bushels of cider apples it take to make a pint of hard cider - a ratio I just completely made up. 

Even though growers are becoming more adventurous and trying to find or create niche markets for their crops, Red Delicious is still the mostly widely grown variety in the US. For the most part the apple's is a cliche, wrapped in a banality cloaked in a platitude. And it doesn't have a great taste of texture either. Yet this was the apple, that pretty much began my renaissance of apple love. I had one probably days off the tree, it was small, the perfect combination of tart, sweet and bitter and as I ate it I thought if one the worst byproducts of modern selection that favors shelf life over taste can taste that good - what does that say about all the apples I have been avoiding. Since it has been a parade of Romes, French dessert apples and Pippins. 

It may be fall for seasons, but it's springtime for apples. Try something just off the tree, those bananas will be there next time your at the store.  

Srispin

Albert Burneko writes about food for Deadspin. He writes about food in a way that demystifies the culinary arts, making the act more about ingredients and knowledge, instead of presenting food as the byproduct of some sort of kitchen alchemy known only to the ordained. His posts are usually funny, occasionally obnoxious and wonderfully profane. Albert Burneko loves Sriracha. Me and Albert, we have much in common. Except, I only read Deadspin and although I'll drop the f-word a half dozen times on a dog walk or doing dishes, I avoid cussing on my blog. 

In his most recent post - all are filed under the FOODSPIN category - Albert takes on the awesomeness that is Sriracha. You should read it. He takes on the haters, dismisses those who think heat is is the defining characteristic of a hot sauce, and he unabashedly proclaims his love for Sriracha. What’s wrong with opinion journalism again?

Si Racha is the name of a city located on the central costal of Thailand; a region known for chili sauces. Sriracha, as produced by Huy Fong, is a California-produced sauce, invented by David Tran - a Vietnamese immigrant whose parents were Chinese.  Mr. Tran told the NY Times, “I know it’s not a Thai sriracha”, Mr. Tran continues, “It’s my sriracha.”

Image: Foodbeast

Good for Mr. Tran. Authenticity has never been an issue that bothers me all that much. If it were, the only thing I could authentically reproduce would be a handful of dishes held together with cream of mushroom soup. Take egg rolls, which tend to be considered, like burritos, a bastard food. But it gets worse, what about egg rolls made by me - tall, slow talking, midwesternly me? In my Oregon kitchen? Egg rolls topped with sriracha? Authentic? Because the experience seems real to me. 

I don’t care about the lineage of sriracha, I care about what it tastes like. Sriracha is a combination of red jalapenos, vinegar, garlic, sugar, salt. The key to flavoring foods is to find a balance, a way to stimulate all the taste buds at once. While hot isn’t a taste or flavor it is a culinary sensation adding excitement to the sweet, sour and salt are and sriracha is a perfect balance.  And it’s so red, beautifully red.

First time I tried sriracha was in a bowl of pho. First bottle I brought home was the wee size and it probably lived in my fridge for the better part of a year, as I would pull it out only to round out the flavor on Asian sauces or to dispense on the bad Thai food I occasionally ordered - the sauce made the food palatable, but I had never been able to answer the question of why I ordered bad Thai food: Tired, hungry, with a $10 bill in my pocket and the Thai place is 150 feet from my front door are not excuses nor explanations. Taco Bell is 500 ft and occasionally I've only had a $5 on me and that hasn't happened. 

Now I’m up to the 17oz bottle, a commitment for anyone living alone, yet it seems I am replacing the empties 3-4 times a year. Yesterday, I put a dent in my supply - 1 cup peanut butter, a squirt of hoisin and a healthy blast of sriracha - thinned out with hot water and it’s the easiest sauce in the world - it’s the type of preparation that helps one avoid calling in an order for bad Thai.